A word.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions.  I have watched far too many times as friends have “failed” at their resolutions in the first few days of a new year and have given up completely, as though one bump in the journey signifies that all hope is lost.  I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl, and I know that if I were to make a resolution, I’d likely fall into that same trap.

A few years ago, a friend of mine challenged me to come up with a word that I would apply to my year, and print it on my heart.  I did that for several years, faithfully thinking of an area in my life in which I felt I needed some work, and assigning that word to myself.  It was a fun way to start the year, and I remembered that word sometimes.  It was relatively successful.

Two or three years ago I realized, though, that the words I was coming up with and the struggles I was addressing were typically pretty self-serving.  I started praying about it, and realized that the only way this “word” thing was going to be a successful plan in my own life was if I asked God to speak a word to me.  I figure He knows me better than I am willing to allow myself to know me, so if anyone can see what word I will need for the year it’s probably him.  Those God-breathed words have been exactly what I have needed each year, even when I haven’t understood them from the beginning.

A week or so ago, I began praying for my word for 2018.  I have spent a lot of time in that week, praying about my word.  Every time, God has told me to wait.  I’m not good at waiting.  Every time, I have heard God say some variation of “not yet,” and I have tried to be patient.  

Yesterday was January 1, 2018, and I hadn’t heard anything.

I think I maybe gave up.  I mean, maybe this was God’s way of telling me this “routine” had become just that...a routine...that was no longer meaningful in my life.

So it was that on January 1, 2018, when I went to be around 10pm, I was frustrated and unsettled, because I had lived in a new year for 22 hours already, and had no idea where my focus would be.  I had no idea what I should work on.  I prayed that God would open my heart to what he had in store for me this year, even if I didn’t have some special “word” by which to live.

An hour later, my son woke up vomiting.  

We were in a hotel, which is never the best place to be sick.  In an effort to keep him from waking everyone in the family AND all the rooms around us, I took him into the bathroom where we sat, ice bucket at the ready just in case, his head resting on the toilet, me on the edge of the tub.  After an hour, he was sobbing and I was near tears as well.  I was praying silently to myself.

“God, I am not feeling very patient right now.  Please help me stay calm and give me patience.  This isn’t his fault.”

Hmmmm...maybe my word should be patience?  Maybe I’m not doing that part right.  Maybe I need to work on patience, and God is trying to teach me that.  Geez, God.  Please don’t make my kid sick just to teach ME a lesson!  If patience is my word, please tell me.

Nothing.

My poor kid was miserable.  I was miserable.  I cried out to God again.

“God, I am exhausted.  He is exhausted.  Please give us rest.”

Ooooh, rest.  That’s a good word.  God’s already been working on me on that one.  Maybe rest is my word.  God, is rest my word?  If it is, I’d really like to be doing that right now.

Nothing.

“God, I don’t think I can do this much longer.  I am seriously about to lose it.  My son is sick, I am so tired, he can’t stop crying.  He’s in pain.  He needs your touch.  I need your touch.  I am so worn down.  I am SO worn down.  I’m weary, God.  Help us.”

I will renew you.

I heard those words.  I don’t know if they were audible words from God or if they were in my own head, but I heard them clearly.  “I will renew you.”  

I was finally able to get my son back to bed, and I couldn’t sleep because I was too thinking.  Maybe, just maybe, the word God wanted me to hear was RENEW.  I convinced myself it was, and that he wanted me to focus on that this year...that even when I am worn down, He will renew my strength.  I was content, and though I wasn’t able to go to sleep for several more hours, I decided I was ready for the year.

And then it was morning.

I am a researcher by design, so I needed to know the dictionary definition of “renew.”  (I know what it means, of course, but I need to know what the true denotation of the word is.)  I googled the word renew, and decided the definition I would focus on for the year was:

Give fresh life or strength to

Because obviously, that’s what God was planning to do for me this year.

Obviously.

Sometimes I think I have God all figured out.  I am pretty sure he laughs at me sometimes.

So I pulled up my Bible app and searched for “renew,” with every intention of finding a verse for the year that would support my idea of what God was telling me.  There are a LOT of verses in the Bible that contain the word renew.  I was scanning through them, trying to decide which would be “my” verse, and God said, “No, go back to the very first one.  THAT is the one I want you to focus on this year.”

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” - Psalm 51:10

No, God, you said you will give me strength.  You said when I am worn down, you will pull me back up.  You said you were going to do this, and I needed to trust you to do it.  

Read it again.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” - Psalm 51:10

Okay, okay.  So clearly God has a different plan for the year than I do.  He sees me.  He knows me inside and out.  He knows I need renewal, and that renewal is a heart issue, not really a peace issue.  

A clean heart.

Something toward which I will need to strive.  Something for which I will have to work and pray.  Renewal isn’t something God is planning to do TO me, it’s something He wants to do IN me.  I get it now.

So I was set.  I was resolved.  Renew.  Right spirit.  Clean heart.  Got it, God.  Thanks.

And then this evening, I went to work out.  I attend a Revelation Wellness class, during which there is a devotion.  It’s an ongoing thread throughout the class, and throughout the class the instructors share words and verses as they feel led.  Halfway through class this evening, the instructor with the mic quoted Romans 12:2:

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.”

I get it, God.  I get it.  

Renew.  

2018 will be a year of renewal in my life.  I can’t wait to see how God will work in me and through me...not TO me, as I had thought (hoped?), but IN me.  

Thank you, God, for being a God who works IN.  Thank you for being a God that helps us see our strengths and weaknesses and helps us grow.  Thank you for the work you continue to do in my life.

Overflow

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45 NIV

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Have you ever been sitting there, perfectly comfortable, on the couch in your living room, relaxing and reading Facebook updates, and God suddenly reached down and stepped on your toes?  I'd like to be able to say that hasn't happened to me either, but yeah.  It has.  A lot, actually.  This week?  More than once.  It hurts, doesn't it?


So, there I was, chatting with my sister on Facebook, asking on my Facebook fanpage whether any of you had any suggestions as to what should be my "word" for 2012.  (None of you responded, which may be good anyway.)  I switched back to my personal wall, and the verse there at the top popped up on someone's status and squashed me.  You see, I'd just yelled at Little Lou out of frustration.  I can't remember why, and I would guess she couldn't tell you either.  In hindsight, though, it was no big deal (even just moments later, when I read the verse).


People, my words aren't always nice.  They're not always thoughtful.  They're not always uplifting.  They're not always what I want them to be.  But they're (sadly) me.  As much as I don't want to admit it, it's right there.  "Out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."  I can't deny it.  As much as I WANT to say I have a happy heart, my words sometimes say otherwise.

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Overflow.

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I've chosen it to be my word for 2012.  

advance, cataclysm, cataract, congestion, deluge, discharge, encroachment, enforcement, engorgement, excess, exuberance, flash flood, flooding, infringement, niagara, overabundance, overcrowding, overkill, overmuch, overproduction, plethora, pour, propulsion, push, redundancy, spate, spill, spillover, submergence, submersion, superfluity, surfeit, surplus, torrent

I want my overflow, my discharge, my excess, my surplus, my overabundance, to be a plethora of joy, a niagara of happiness, a deluge of positivity!  

I want my family and friends to know that, even when things get rocky (and we already know that tends to happen around here) that they can count on me to be steadfast, to keep my eyes on Christ, and to respond respectfully and accordingly.

I want my children to know that the words that come out of my mouth are the words of a kind, gentle, loving mommy, not a spiteful angry one.

I want my husband to know that he can expect uplifting, joyful words when he comes home, not nagging, judgmental, harsh words.

I want the overflow of my heart to mirror the overflow of Christ's love.  

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2012.  Overflow.

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Vitality

animation, ardor, audacity, bang, being,bloom, bounce, clout, continuity, drive, endurance, existence, exuberance, fervor, force, get-up-and-go, go, guts, intensity, life, liveliness, lustiness, pep, pizzazz, power, pulse, punch, robustness, snap, sparkle, spunk, stamina, starch, steam, strength, stuff, venturesomeness, verve, vigor, vim, vivaciousness, vivacity, zest, zing, zip

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Last year, my life-long friend (and fellow blogger at Faith of a Small Seed) challenged me to choose a word toward which I would strive for the next year.  I've never been "good" at New Year's Resolutions.  I think they're sort of silly.  This word idea, though, intrigued me.  After much MUCH thought and prayer, I settled on the word "vitality."  

I didn't know then what I do now.  Had I been able to look into the future, I'd have know that vitality was exactly EXACTLY what I needed to focus on in 2011.  I needed endurance.  I needed intensity.  I needed life.  I needed a little bit of punch here and there.  I couldn't have survived this year without vitality!  

If you've been around a while, you know more of my story than the newbies, but just in case you've forgotten, it's been a heck of a year over here!  

In January The Hubby started work on a second bachelor's degree.  That means he's working full time and going to school nearly full time.  He's super busy and we're both super tired!  This mama's needed a bit of pep to survive the long LONG days without any help!

In June Bugsy had a 13 hour skull surgery, the third in his 4 years of life (#6 overall on his surgery list).  If you've ever handed a child over for surgery, you can imagine the pain I felt for that entire 13 hours.  The plan was to take a rib graft from his own chest and use it to fill some gaps in his skull, but unfortunately (or fortunately?) he'd been under for too long by the time the surgeons got to that point in the surgery, and he now has three areas of titanium mesh holding together his million dollar noggin.  God is good, though, and Bugs is a NORMAL 4 year old boy!

In August I received a scary medical diagnosis that changed my life from here on out.  You'll be able to read more about that in February...you'll see.  There was a little bit of just "being" for a while, and then some power.  You see, I have learned that I have to take control of my health.  I'm doing that!

Late spring I decided I needed to regain some health, some bounce, some pizzazz, to my life!  I started on a journey toward wellness and can't believe how much better I'm feeling physically!  I've lost over 45 pounds, gone from a size 16 pants and XL shirt to a size 10 pants and M shirt!  I even have a few small shirts that fit just fine now!  I am eating well and exercising almost daily.  My body is so thankful!

The Hubby took 11 hours of classes this fall!  That mean mama and the kids operated as a single parent family Monday-Friday.  That was extremely stressful.  Kudos to all you parents who do it on a daily basis!  I can't imagine how difficult that must be!  We've decided that we're going to try not to do that again.  It was very difficult on all of us, and probably not great for my health.

I found Zumba!  My Zumba instructors ROCK!  

Although it's been a rough year around here, I've fought back.  I've survived, and I'd say I've shown a fair amount of vitality.  I wouldn't say I was awesome at it, but I gave it a good effort.  I have a long LONG way to go on the vitality front, but I've given myself a good start and am so ready to see where God will take my family in the next year!

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Do you make New Year's Resolutions?  Do you keep them or break them?  Are you like me, and think they're silly?  Are you just so ready to get on to next year you don't even care?

I'd LOVE to have you join me in choosing a word for next year!  Strive to embody that word.  Learn it.  Live it.  Tell me about it!

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Happy New Year and God bless!