A little over 5 years ago, I gave birth to a little boy who was perfectly and wonderfully made, even though it took me almost a year to realize it. A little over 5 years ago I gave birth to a little boy we hoped and prayed would not only live a long life, but a "normal" life as well. A little over 5 years ago, I gave birth to...myself...as the mother of a special needs baby.
And a little over 10 hours ago, I walked that little boy to his kindergarten classroom!
(I should mention that I walked Little Lou to her second grade classroom as well!)
Friends, I have to admit, for a good portion of the first couple years of his life, I didn't know if he'd ever do this:
And to be honest, I wasn't sure we'd ever see this:
But today, friends, I had the very distinct privilege of delivering my sweet Bug to his first day of school. He was both excited and nervous. He couldn't eat breakfast. He wouldn't wear tennis shoes. He did not speak to anyone for a full hour before school started. He was so excited to go, but he really wanted to stay with mommy, too!
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I'd be lying if I said it was easy today. People, I've kept a pretty tight reign on that little guy. It's scary in this world of unknown, this world of what if, this world of special kids. Terrifying sometimes. Paralyzingly so, sometimes. It's also beautiful and refreshing and amazing sometimes. Today? Well, today was one of those "sometimes" days.
Terrifying and beautiful.
Scary and refreshing.
Paralyzing and amazing.
I learned today (again) that my little boy isn't quite so little anymore. He's not quite so "fragile" as I like to tell myself he is. He isn't what I think he is, he isn't what I expect him to be. He's so very very much more than that!
I learned today that today I have to let go a little, lest I hold on forever. Holding on forever sounds wonderful, until I really think about what that means. I want my little boy(s and girl) to grow, to change, to thrive. They won't do that, they can't do that, if I don't ever give them a little slack on the reigns!
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I learned today that not only is that little boy stronger than I ever thought he'd be, but so his his mama! Friends, I underestimate me sometimes. A lot of times. I don't give myself the credit I truly deserve. I am SO much more than I allow myself to believe.
You are too, you know. You are infinitely more than you tell yourself. You are worth more. You are capable of more. You are more!
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